A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

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An American, a Chinese, and a Mexican died and went to Hell. The Devil said, "You know guys, you all have been sinners. But I'm in a good mood, so I'm willing to give you another chance. If you can think of a sentence using the words 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow' that will make me laugh, then you will go to heaven."

The Chinese guy goes first. He says, "One morning when I woke up, I looked out the window and saw a green field with pink and yellow flowers in it." The Devil says, "You think that's funny?" and the Chinese goes to Hell.

The American is next. He says, "One morning I was walking on the street and saw George W Bush with nothing on but a pink bra, green shoes, and a yellow mohawk." The Devil says, "Nice try, but that's not funny." The American goes to Hell.

Now, it's the Mexican's turn. But he's not very good at English and by now he is panicking. He blurts out, "This morning when the phone went 'green green green', I came to pink it up, and said 'YellOw'?"

The Devil laughs and says "Okay, you can go to heaven." And the Mexican's jaw drops, "Huh???"

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Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language, as he played
golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out
of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," he said, in a calm
voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Dave. "What the hell do they have to cuss about?"

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

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A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
....................................

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. ...................

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A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.

"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don’t know an answer, I pay you $50." ..............................................

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